When Play is Hard
I’ve always joked that I get to “play” for a living- as a pediatric SLP, I am a block-stacking, bubble-blowing, baby doll-feeding expert. Over time, I’ve learned that “traditional play” comes easy for many children; they watch and copy your actions, show interest in toys, and grow a vast imagination over time. I’ve also learned that for some children, this type of play is really, really hard.
Before my son was born, I stocked our nursey with my favorite open-ended toys; I couldn’t wait to watch him learn, explore, and grow while playing. But play was never easy for him, and despite my background, I felt like I was doing something wrong. He rarely picked up toys on his own, and preferred to scatter items. He often noticed details over function, and played in the same way over and over again. I kept thinking play isn’t supposed to be this hard.
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that play is “essential to development because it contributes to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children.” And I couldn’t agree more! But what can parents (and professionals) do when children run away from their play partners, don’t share, or even touch toys? They might prefer to drop or spin items, align toys in a specific order, or watch YouTube on their devices?
Nowadays, it’s hard to “find time” to play with our kids- most of us are just surviving. If you’re like me, telling your child to “go play” is not usually an option- leading to feelings of stress and anxiety. Here’s what I’ve learned through my training AND parenthood experiences: you’ll make faster and more meaningful connections if you embrace your child’s unique interests.
When your child doesn’t play as expected, it’s easy to pick up on what they DO enjoy. “He won’t stop spinning the wheels and we can’t get his attention” or “she lines up everything and it’s impossible to redirect her;” leading to: “should we take it away or interrupt the behavior?” My opinion? No. This won’t make your child play with other toys. So what do you do? Embrace it- join in on their play, gain their trust, and build skills over time.
Join in on their play: Get in there! Do what they are doing. If they won’t let you have their toy/item, find your own. Copy their actions, talk about what they’re doing, sing a song! If they’re dropping toys, drop right beside them and make silly noises. If they’re watching car wheels spin, sing the ‘wheels on the bus.’ If they like to recite numbers on the clock, count along with them. Find a way to gain their attention.
Gain their trust: Whatever you do, don’t take the toy! Don’t hide their interests! At least while they’re playing/engaging with it. Allow your child to learn that you’re their play partner and not the toy snatcher. Encourage their interests and grow their confidence. We all love to feel seen and heard.
Build skills over time: Once you’ve followed their lead and gained their trust, you can begin to expand. Crash two cars together, drive cars on a road, drop toys into a bucket, or spin the puzzle pieces before putting them in their spots. Wait to see if your child copies you- they may! They may not. Keep trying- it will come.
When your child doesn’t touch or hold toys for more than a few seconds, I recommend going back to basics. Build their interest in people through games, songs, and routines, adding objects slowly. Tickle their bellies with a ball. Play peek-a-boo with a blanket. Build up their skills over time.
My son still plays with the same toys over and over. He loves trains and cars, water towers and tornadoes. I’ve lost a lot of time worrying that he doesn’t play with a variety of toys, and often engages in what some consider “nonfunctional play.” But as I’ve joined in on his play and gained his trust, he’s allowed me to teach him new skills and ideas. That might include driving our steam trains to the ice cream shop or taking our cars to the mechanic after a big crash. Some days he doesn’t want to expand, and that’s okay.
In the end, make sure you’re having fun. If you have questions about your child’s development, or if you need additional resources, suggestions, tips tricks, please reach out!
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